Garden Variety Family

me, my blog -- all askew but thankful none-the-less

Something is amiss in the Garden Variety Family blog. I began writing my post commemorating our 16 months of waiting on the 16th of this month. Well, I got sucked into the prime time Olympic swimming last night that it didn't get it posted. I woke up today to finish it up and post a day late (worse things have happened) when I discovered that things have gone curiously awry. I put a post together thanking my Secret Pal a couple weeks ago. Through my April log in group we have had a 10 month long secret pal gift exchange. I am not sure what was wrong with me because all along the process I didn't post the gifts I received here. I did in our group blog but not here. Why? I don't know. So I put everything together took a bunch of pictures, created a post and scheduled it to go live the next day.

So today as I was finishing  last night's post which I wanted to link to my Secret Pal post, but the Secret pal post has disappeared. It is totally gone. I can find no trace anywhere. I have never had something like this happen. I don't know what to say. So even though this is a repeat for me it should be new to the blog and new to my beloved Secret Pal, Karen who gifts have been the highlight of every month for nearly the last year. She was thoughtful, kind and really came up with great ideas. She certainly spoiled us, she had to go way over the spending limit even if she were a champion bargain hunter. I'd love to hear from you if you are out there reading my blog Karen, because my appreciation is deep and I'd love to thank you even better.

So here they are a year's worth of pictures. Looks like a I had a giant shower, but it is all from one great not - so - secret - anymore - Pal.

This is a double bed covered with everything. I think I got it all!

There are books for every occasion (even one of Chinese folktales )and softies I want for myself and the most beautiful collection of onesies, I just might cry the first time they get stained.

We are set to travel with silverware and travel packs, Chinese vocabulary, hats and blankies.

I have a calendar for planning out 2009 - I hope  "travel to China" will be written somewhere in this book.

I couldn't have imagined all of this stuff. All I can say is thank you thank you. And Karen if you are reading please e-mail me or leave a comment.

8.8.08 at 8:08

Today is the day. The start of the Olympics. I am an Olympics junkie. I will watch more t.v. in the next 2 weeks than I have in the last two years and it all starts tonight. From the opening to closing ceremony I will bathe in it all, human interest stories, cultural information, political debate, competition of all sorts, even the commercials; I am all about it.  I think it speaks to the eternal optimist in me, to my deep down belief in utopia. China called it with their slogan, One World, One Dream. It is the closest we get to celebration and peaceful exchange of more people from more countries in one place in such a concentrated period of time. And it is being hosted in China. I have a love affair with the far east and China is the mother of it all.

Seven years ago I swore I would be there basking in the splendor of it all, but I am not. Two years ago I thought for sure I would be very close to being there at this time because our plans for a family were going to take us there roughly around now. I had given up on the games and ceremonies but being there during this pivotal and historical moment for China was enough. Now our money, our hopes, and dreams are in China but we are not. So I plan to live vicariously watching everything 12 hours after it happened tonight and every night for the next two weeks on the tube.

The opening ceremonies are uber important to me. I can't wait to witness the splendor of Chinese culture artistically represented as China lays out seven years of hard work and preparations. I can't wait to witness the elegant details, from the traditional to the modern. I am excited and proud as I will be eternally linked to this country. Instead of recovering from a night of splendor in Beijing I am just gearing up to get started. I am ok with it, I just wish I had my baby here to watch her country as it dances, for better or worse, in the world spotlight.

More to come...

study right up the garden variety family alley -- getting to know you, and you, and you

I have posted links to studies before and here is another one. I always think it is important to participate in studies, to help the world of science find out what real people are all about, whether it is medical, social or educational research. It contributes to learning and eventually effects understanding. I believe that the route to a peaceful world is understanding and that is the kind of thing the following study is all about. Doctors Susan M. Love (a name that works if ever I heard one) and Herman L. DeBose of California State University Northridge are collaborating on this study to understand and compare committed couples of both monoracial and interracial combinations. So any couple can participate! And please do. I did. It took me about 12 minutes to complete.

Below is the the full text of  Drs. Love and DeBose's request:

We are asking for volunteers to complete a survey as part of our research project to better understand the experiences of interracial and mono-racial couples in American society.  The survey, if you choose to complete it, will take about 15-20 minutes to complete—you can choose to not participate or to participate but only answer those questions that you choose to.  Although you will receive no direct benefits for your participation, it may contribute to our knowledge and to the education of college students in sociology and social work.  The survey is completely anonymous; your responses will be added to a national data base with no names or email addresses connected to it. Given the anonymous nature of the study, no one will know whether you have chosen to participate or not (including us, the researchers).  If you would like the results of the study, please email us directly and we will be glad to provide you with them once the study has been completed.

If you would like to participate click one of the two options below. If your spouse, partner would also like to complete a survey, ask him/her to click the ‘spouse/ partner’ option below.  On the last page of the survey you will be given the option of submitting it; if you wish to do so, just click ‘submit’.

Click here to complete the survey http://CTLSilhouette.wsu.edu/surveys/ZS78858
Click here if you are the spouse/ partner  http://CTLSilhouette.wsu.edu/surveys/ZS78858

Dr. Susan M. Love
Department of Social Work
California State University Northridge (CSUN)

Dr. Herman L. DeBose
Chair of Department of Sociology
California State University Northridge (CSUN)
Co-Editor, New Faces in a Changing America: Multiracial Identity in the 21st Century

 

 

seeing more red

*** A little edit I somehow I didn't get a bit of info saved in this post... today I am another year older, another year older than I ever imagined I'd be as a first time parent. I'll be seeing another birthday pass as I wait. We have officially passed the 15 month mark for the wait as well***

Okay, ya'll know there is a lot of paperwork involved in a adopting, in addition to the long wait and long hair... wait a second, did she say long hair? She -- I did. While I am waiting for our home study update, I am assembling supporting documents for the renewal of our I-171H which pales in comparison to the first time I was seeing red. My gut reaction was a post-traumatic response to assembling our dossier. One government office, the one that handles the advanced processing of foreign orphans as citizens seems to be helpful and actually interested in the supposed federal paper-reduction act. It was a pleasure to get them on the phone and be spoken to with compassion in their voice as they truly seemed interested in helping me and not rushing me off the line to attend to the next nervous-nellie parent to be. I am so appreciative that they have a separate division for adoptions within the immigration office. So now that the paper work seems to be under control at this point what else can I do during the wait? I am going bonkers with my hair. I vowed not to cut it until I had my daughter in my arms. It is my measure of expectant motherhood. I was expecting to be able to donate it in a few months or so. We know that wont be happening... So what is a girl to do when she can't cut her hair? She dyes it! Yes, folks my hair is RED -- a deep cinnamon, cherry, auburn red. My hair is darker than it has ever been. Oh, and I did it with a wash-out-in-six-weeks-dye. I don't want to jeopardize my donation to Locks of Love or Beautiful Lengths. So check it out! Steven says I need to come up with my super hero alter ego name. I think I'll be the Red Thread Walker. You know the legend of the red thread in ancient Chinese wisdom, well I am the super hero that can balance on the thread for the long tightrope walk to my girl in China. It may be time to get my red cape out again.

 

tiny asian cultural wonder

Food: necessity for life. Cuisine: a characteristic of culture.  There are secrets of cuisines tucked around the world often getting lost in translation. For me particularly the Asian cuisines. There is a lot I've learned a lot I've ascertained and placed them in my basket of culinary knowledge. But there is so much that is lost on me in the characters of Asian written communication. I have trolled the isles of crammed Asian groceries but often I have to guess. Oft times the owners don't fully understand me nor I them or maybe there is an element of preserving mystery. That is often how I feel. My mother-in-law is an artist in the kitchen. Her food dances for joy on the tongue and sparkles on the platter. I have picked up so much from her but often when I ask specifics she'll reply with, "Oh, you know!" I don't but she doesn't illuminate.

During my days in Vietnam the women employed to cook for me were commensurate with the talents of dear mommy-in-law. I tried to cook with them to learn their secrets but I think they preferred to preserve the mystery or opted for job security.

On with the tiny Asian wonder...It has always disturbed me that I have never been all that much fond of is the seaweed in many East Asian dishes. I insist on eating it but my tongue never seems as enamored of it as my mind is. It is very good for you, of great nutrition and it is a staple of a culture I adore and gosh, cuisine is the cornerstone of culture.

So there is this lovely soup that my husband's mother makes. It has seaweed in it...large elastic pieces of a truly wonderful seaweed, kelp I think. I have asked her several times what it is with no luck. Well when Steven's aunts came for a visit from Korea we all had lunch one day with this soup. I asked again and got an answer in Korean, my mother-in-law was forced to show me what everyone was talking about. It took 3 aunts to travel 7,000 miles to unleash the secret for me.

Here it is: tiny, dry, brittle, put it in water it grows more impressively than a magic sponge, it adds nutrients magically. I am fascinated by small things and this little secret amazes me and begs to be shared. Only problem is, Istill don't know what it is exactly but I have the partial package Steven's mom gave me so it will be going with me to the store when I need more!

Cool, huh?

thank you

I want to thank everyone who commented or sent me e-mails in response to my last post. I really appreciate all the encouragement, empathy, understanding and wisdom shared. As you may have learned from reading my blog, I am really not much of a planner, so for me to be in line for a child from China... well it is a bit out of character and yes... I am reminded why I never plan anything -- because plans never go the way you imagine them. It's that whole expectation thing and it has bitten me, HARD. I realize that if I want to have children I am going to have to plan but I am going to try to release any expectation.  We are looking at ADDITIONAL options and living our life. I am still working on my business and doing things like gardening and cleaning out the garage, uugh. Someday we might get a call... but I am just not planning on it.

an uncertain path

Warning: this is a free-thinking post it will include my thoughts about adoption from my personal situation to the subject at large. I am going to turn my "filter" off because I need a little therapy. What I write is not meant as judgment or curse, praise or glorify it is just a place for me to feel. This is my blog after all.

I have had a lot of thoughts running through my head, questioning, re-evaluating, doubting my path to parenthood. Wondering if parenthood is in my cards. I had a really tough time yesterday. We have thought about the wait, it has been 14 months and the wait really didn't seem that bad. It hadn't devastated me or left me in any kind of depression. It hadn't ... but the more I hear and read there is no end in sight -- in fact the end seems to be on a full throttle retreat in the opposite direction.

Last week we got a call from my husband's parents, Steven's aunts who visited from Korea 2 months ago were apprised of our adoption and our situation, unbeknownst to us. There was a language barrier. And ... truthfully, I didn't think it was anything my inlaws wanted the extended family to know. 

Well, one of Steven's aunts adopted years ago and wanted to give us information on the agency here in New York that has an affiliation with the social welfare agency in Korea that arranges for children to be adopted. The agency turned out to be Spence Chapin.

I called them and remembered why we hadn't chosen them in the past. Well, there are lots of reasons but the primary one is the cost of a Korean adoption. I hate that cost becomes a factor but it is a reality and it just isn't fair but that is life, right? I have always been willing to accept the costs and fees because this is a delicate international and legal transaction. I wish it didn't have to be but it just is. This lengthy and expensive process is my path to parenthood or so I thought. But I have to wonder if I was really meant to be a mother. When I read other blogs or hear other women talk about adoption, often being "desperate" to become a mother is expressed. I don't know that I feel that way.  But I wanted to be a mother I felt  that Steven and I had so much to offer a child. So with this new information -- a near encouragement from my in-laws, we thought about pursuing our second child while we were waiting. Information about Spence Chapin became a welcome opportunity. If we were able to complete an adoption now the wait for China might become more bearable. But, that opportunity quickly just became a hurdle, one that is to tall to leap, for us it is prohibitively expensive. I hate that we can't afford it, that our path to children is a contingent upon our earning power. Every move is deliberate and nothing "will just happen" for us.

I left my job to establish myself with a home-based business so that I could be at home with our child when she came. The plan was to be in a sort of routine so that I could be able to continue to work once we all settled from the topsy turvy time of getting acquainted. From the start I had no intention of putting our child who we spent so much time, energy, waiting, and hoping for into day-care 2 months after bringing her home. We would make it work, despite my less stable earning power. But there is nothing make-it-workable about getting to the point of having a child.

I honestly believe that Steven and I would be happy together with or without a child. He is a wonderful husband and I delight in every moment spent with him. There are many ways for us to have a fulfilling life. I often get comments like, "Oh, it will happen for you", "It will happen when the time is right", "You'll be a mother", "When it is meant to happen it will". Everyone is so sure it will happen that I am meant to be a mother. None of this is happening because "it" willed it so. Everything has been by my and Steven's deliberate actions. Everyone is so sure I am meant to be a mother, maybe I am not. Maybe this is why all this is happening. So many people feel that god led them to adoption. Or that god is making mine happen when it needs to happen. Did any of these people ever think that maybe this slow down is god's way of saying it shouldn't happen? I just can't drag a god into this discussion.

I have to say that is frustrates me, this line I am standing in. Disney has nothing on this wait. There is no fast pass for this ride we are on but I can't help feeling that there should be. So many people who are in this wait have children already. Not one, but two, three four. I really wish there was priority for childless couples. I can't help but feel that these people are some of the most direct obstacles to my unification with my child and I cannot help feeling that it isn't fair or even right. I feel like there should be a different way of handling people who have several children already.

I just want one child, who will be my legacy, my hope for humanity, my one chance to help a child become an adult and sort their way through the world. I just want one chance at playing peek-a-boo, blowing bubbles, calming fears, teaching, reading to, making funny faces with, finger paint, provide experiences, celebrate success and accept defeat. I want the chance to watch a person grow and being intimately involved with that growth. I want to be witness to one just person's whole life and I want to help them on that path in any way I can. I lied, I would like to have two children, I love having a sister and I'd like that opportunity for my child. But, I'd be happy with just one  because it is very likely there will be only one if there is any child for me at all. And ... I can be happy with none. We have to find our way to be happy no matter where our life takes us, and I know that I can do that but it will take a shift in thinking. I am still in, "when our daughter comes home", mode.

Do I deserve this opportunity? Maybe, maybe not.

today is Loving Day

June 12th is the celebration of the legalization of interracial marriage. It is aptly named for the Lovings  who I first wrote about here.

There is a website celebrating Loving Day. Loving Day's mission is to fight prejudice through education and to build a sense of community among people who engage in meaningful interracial and intercultural relationships.  -- borrowed from WeAreHapa.com

They lovings opened the door for Garden Variety Families everywhere. Love does conquer all.

So lets share the love!

featured -- 10,000

Well, Garden Variety Family was today's Typepad featured blog. So cool! I had no idea. They contacted me to let me know I had been selected way back in early April, but they never gave me a date.  I tried to find out to no avail. Then Typepad changed its homepage so I thought that maybe they were changing how they did things and I was going to miss out. Late this evening I found out I was featured when a friend sent me a congratulations. I was floored.
On top of that my blog hit 10,000 views today.

June 11 will be an anniversary to remember. Thank you TypePad and welcome to all you readers who are new to the Garden. Look around, enjoy, contribute.
Thank you, Karin

Should race be a factor in adoptions?

What do you think? This is the question broached in an article that appeared Time magazine online today. (I included the complete article in the post continuation below in case the link expires over time.)  The  article was written in response to a study and paper completed by the Evan B. Donaldson Institute.

The conclusions don't recommend that white families should be barred from adopting African American children, rather they are emphasizing the need for education and screening for both parents and children. Findings concluded that Asian adoptees and native American adoptees did not as much difficulty with identity or a feeling of fitting in as African American children.

I think that as parents we need to be as prepared as possible and we must strive to to the do our best to meet the needs of our children. These recommendations are in the interest of the mental and emotional well being of our children.

As it stands now agencies are not allowed to address issues of race specifically in training, instead preparation is generalized to cover all aspects of adoption. Which to me really can be a shame. It goes back to my opinion that we cannot be colorblind, it is unrealistic if not impossible. It is an act of denial. Instead we need to educate, celebrate, and embrace our differences so that those differences are in the open, o.k. and accepted, therefore turning it in to a non-issue. Ignoring race or minimize it has been proven to cause greater problems for the identity of trans-racially adopted children of African American descent.

The 1996 Multiethnic Placement Act—Interethnic Adoption Provision (MEPA—IEP) was created when some prospective white parents were prevented from adopting African American children who, then and since have been over-represented both before and after the act went in place.

While I have been waiting for my daughter I have been absorbed in learning and trying to absorb myself in all things Chinese so that I can bring my daughter's culture to here and to our family. I intend for it to be as much a part of our family as the other cultures of our family. We feel we have much to offer to her and I have to help her contribute all parts of her to our family as well. I could never deny this part of her or any child that I plan to make a part of our home. At this point I have no direct experience with this issue as I have not child, ethnically diverse or otherwise as a part of our family.

I'd love to hear comments from those of you who have. Once again I've written too much and probably haven't done a very cohesive job writing this. I want to bring this issue to the blogoshere, for contemplation and discusion.

Thanks.