Garden Variety Family

things gone awry

I don't know what happened but for some reason my calendar theme post for the May submissions never went live.  So for the last 2 weeks I never realized it and thought wow, I am late with posting the May theme.  As I started to write it something didn't seem right so I went back to look and I did the post it just never updated when I set it up to post at a certain time.  So, it is time for the June theme, as you can guess it will be photos with Dad.  I'll wait a few days and run 2 themes kinda at once.  I'm going to blame technology even though it was probably my fault. 

May Calendar theme

We are catching up to real time here.  The next theme for your photo submissions, of course, involves mothers.

            May--Time with Mom

I can't wait to see  photos of your beautiful diverse families spending time with mom.   Now if your mom, or if you are the mom and always behind the camera, it is time to give it  to someone else so we can see pictures of you with your family.  I want to see how much you love your mom.  It is easy to submit a photo here or through the button with the dragonfly on it over there in the right-hand column. 

adults behaving badly

While engaged in one of my long commutes into the city where I work I ejected the CD that was already in the  player to listen to the morning news courtesy of NPR.  Instead I got a report as part of a series that I was unaware was going on about adoption.  This story was very emotional as parents from Atlanta recounted their adoption of adolescent girls that went totally wrong. 
I recounted the story to my mother today through emotional sobs.  These girls were taken from their birth mother and it took 7 and 8 years before they would be re-united, one at a time,  in rural India.  I never want to be part of such emotional angst.  The children and all parents were innocent in this horrible fiasco.  While the adoptive parents were reassured that whether or not the story the girls were telling was true or not, the girls were better off here in the U.S.  I find that ignorant ugly American attitude disgusting.  While it is true that opportunities for girls from India may be better here being taken from your family that you have known and loved for 8-10 years is never in the best interest of a child.  Money ain't everything folks, and the American way of doing things ain't all that either.  There is more than one way to peel an avocado.  A mother's love is about the best thing in the world and if you have that there is no need to break that bond.  It is certainly not the choice for those outside the family.  This occurred because of greed - another case of adults behaving very badly.  How many children say they love their parents because they have a lot of money and opportunity?
See the story and watch a brief video here.  My heart breaks as children are taken advantage of by adults in all kinds of situations.  The parents in this story who attempted to help children ended up getting embroiled in a fraud where children were stolen and sold for adoption.  I feel shrouded with doubts when I hear a story like this.  I have to remind myself that as much dishonesty there is out there, there is also legitimacy.  There are children who need loving families out there.  Despite all the adults behaving badly there are those who have a genuine interest in doing the best for children.  I hope and remain confident that I am aligned with them and that our path to our daughter is smooth and legitimate.

wondering

As I go about my daily life engaged in the exciting to the mundane I sometimes just stop and wonder about the little girl who's fate is on a crash course with my own.  Probably not yet born, is her mother living in the highlands graced with those mythical peaks that we know through simplistic brush paintings, does she do back-breaking work in stepped rice fields that climb so exquisitely into the clouds?  Maybe she is from the vast plateaus of central China or running from stall to stall in the busy and vibrant markets that sound of motorbikes, honking cars and boisterous bargaining.  I will be forever tied to this woman but I will never know her.  Her age-old culture will give me my daughter for this I am both heart broken and grateful.  The miracle of life may not yet even be stirring inside her but we will be cognizant of each other someday through an innocent who will be thrust into a crazy world.  As sad as it can be, her fate, her mysterious life thread has already attached itself to me and in order to get to me she will be born half a world away.  Her life may be going through the greatest growth and change it will ever know while I am commuting, shopping, painting, sleeping -- whether I am thinking of her or not.  Then both of us will engage in the greatest cross-cultural exchange of human-kind.  How dare I bring her here where Saturday mornings sound of riding mowers?  I dare because I think I can give her both worlds, I think I can bring her to her embarking point where she will find those fateful experiences that will drive her to wherever she may go.  No matter her feelings about either of her mothers I hope she someday realizes we both did the best we could and whether she grew inside us or not, whether she lives with us or not, whether she calls us mom or not, together but separately we tried to give her the best launch in life we could.  Has she been conceived?   Is she on the other side of that canal that will bear her into a doubt she doesn't know how to have yet?  Is she ready for this journey?  Am I?

Blogher

Well, I am heading to my first Blogher conference a week from today.  I am very excited to go, maybe I'll meet some fellow adopters there.  If anyone is from Chicago or planning on attending give me a shout maybe we can meet.  There are so many topics to choose from I don't know what to attend, looks like I'll learn a lot and have tons of fun!  Hopefully I'll meet new people and become a better blogger.

lost and found

On Monday I was fortunate enough to notice that there was to be a book discussion of The Lost Daughters of China by Karin Evans, it is on deck for when I am done with Unbowed. The discussion was facilitated by a local group called Moving Beyond Racism.  It was great to be among a group of people who could express their opinions in an open and respectful atmosphere. 

We, those of us who are adopting internationally can get caught up in the normal excitement of having a child.  We want to buy clothes and toys, get there rooms ready, dream about the lives of our legacies.  I believe our dreams are optimistic, as they should be, but shouldn't we plan and prepare for when they get older.  Questions will arise.  What will we tell our children about their first parents, their first countries?  How do we plan to honor our child's culture within our family culture?  I am not a planner, I am a true Scarlet O'Hara in many respects but this I feel is all too important to think about later.  Tomorrow can turn into a thousand tomorrows and before you know it you have a preteen full of questions, resentments, doubts about the world they came from and their place within the world they reside. 

There were two women there who have daughters adopted from China.  We discussed the challenges we are and will be faced by raising children who are losing family, country and culture.  I have come across many parents who don't see this as a problem, they expect their internationally adopted children to be perfect little Americans.  Their culture of origin is never addressed again.  The two women in the group have come across many families who aren't members of Families with Children From China.  When they mention the group they get snide responses, " Oh, WE don't do that."  I have to ask myself is this fair?  Is this best?  I don't know but the contempt I have come across in many family blogs for the country of their children's birth is  simply appalling to me.  I find this to be a slap in the face for the child and the country that is making it possible for us to have a child.  How can they be so disrespectful?   

Disregarding a child's birth country might work for the first few years but how are we as parents going to answer questions or validate the feelings of their children when they get older?  The two mothers at the group talked about the numbers of times people ask "Where did you get her from?", "Is she Chinese?"  While they admitted it was fun in the beginning.  They also admitted that it gets old and now that their girls are older they are absorbing these questions and misconceptions.  Some questions can get rather intrusive, "How much did you pay for her?" or "How can anyone give up this beautiful baby?"  Most internationally adopted children will always be conspicuous within their families and we, as their parents must give them skills and knowledge to combat these attitudes and questions.  As parents, I am going to sound a bit like JFK here, I feel we need to ask not what our children are going to do for us but rather, whether we are doing the things we need to be doing for them.  I hear families say that there was something missing so they adopt a child to fill that void, but how are we as parents going to fill the void of the things she has lost in order to get a loving family?  Finally I ask doesn't our child, our child deserve our attempts to help fill those possible voids? 

april calendar theme

Of course the Garden Variety Calendar has to have a a theme centered around the garden.  Whether you are a green thumb or not we want to see your garden pictures.  Maybe you have your own garden with curtains and fountains of roses, maybe your idea of a garden is the lawn that goes brown in the summer or the only gardening you do is house plants.  Did you visit a cool garden?  Did you plant seeds and watch them grow on your windowsill?  Maybe you buy your vegetables at a garden market.  Do you volunteer at a CSA?  Tell us about your garden let's see your photos for

        April--In The Garden

Uploading is easy using the form here.  The first person to enter for the April theme will get a free calendar when they are ready for sale in November.