Here it is, another Adoption Awareness Month, my second since I have been personally involved, let alone, knee-deep in all things adoption. I can't believe it has already been a year since we started our home study, started this process to become parents. I have always wanted to adopt a child. It always seemed to make sense to me. Below are my rambling thoughts about the state of international adoption in the U.S.
Just as I was trying to sell my husband on the idea of adoption I was entering the world of hot flashes, cold sweats and mood swings. POF--Premature Ovarian Failure, was the diagnosis I got from an reproductive endocrinologist with the bedside manner of a wolverine. Ovarian FAILURE sounds so fatalistic or should I say fate-alistic. I don't really believe in fate but it is funny how I was plunged into a world of infertility just after I brought up the subject of adoption to Steve -- interesting coincidence at the very least. Right away I sought out medical help (the kind that was going to help ME not my reproductive capabilities!) and found myself at NIH the only place that seemed to even be interested in helping someone like me. In fact, I immediately agreed to participate in medical study addressing this near orphan condition. By doing this I was agreeing to not seek out medical intervention to get pregnant. Wow! that meant I didn't have to spend time in the wolverine's office--excellent. And... the wolverine wouldn't be in my bedroom either.
Some of you know I lived in Vietnam at one time and I volunteered in an "orphanage" there. Acknowledging orphans is a slippery slope for Vietnam. They really don't want there to be orphans because in theory children should be cared for by the extended family if the parents are out of the picture for whatever reason. Many of the children in the orphanages are there because of poverty. Their extended families still have them on weekends and holidays but just can't afford to keep them all the time. It was more like a boarding school. The children of course were enchanting and I vowed that if there was a child who needed a home I would adopt from Vietnam. As fate would have it, when were ready to adopt Vietnam, was not an option so we went to China.
Adoption fact: there is a huge disparity between requests for girls over boys in the adoption world. About 85% request girls over boys! Everyone seems to want girls. Who knew? I didn't at the time. Gender selection is upsetting some bloggers who are adopting from Vietnam and rightly so. My experience has always been the opposite. I am surrounded by so many friends who have gotten pregnant and had babies. The vast majority of them wanted boys, hands down. Many of them were disturbingly pro-boy. This hurt my feelings, I took it personally. I think I have been acutely aware of gender inequity--I attended an all-girls school and was raised in a family of 2 daughters. Girls could do anything -- girls were equal to boys or so I thought. It wasn't until I got to college that I experienced gender discrimination myself. At that time and into the present I continue to be amazed at the self-deprecating behavior of so many women. Whether it is done in jest or not it must be based on what they believe to be true to some extent. I always thought that I would be particularly equipped to raise a girl to be strong independent and to view her femininity as an asset and a source of strength. I assumed the same sentiments pervaded in the adoption world. How could I be so wrong?
There is also the harsh reality of child prostitution which is rampant in South East Asia as well as many parts of the world. After witnessing both child prostitution and knowing the social plight of many women and girls in this world I became determined to adopt a girl. How could people sell children, girls as young as 5 into such an ugly world? Recently there have been heartbreaking stories in the news about children stolen and sold for adoption. Go to somaly.org if you want to learn more.
There is a new independent movie just released, Holly that is a fictionalized documentary about the child sex trade. Be sure to check it out if it comes to your area. While dressing up babies is fun and girls may be more fun that is not why I requested a girl. I do have a beef with people for whom this seems to be the primary goal. I watched an embarrassing special that followed to couples who adopted in Russia. The one woman who was set on getting a ballerina was also obsessed with getting a blonde/blue eyed referral. It was disgusting! Everything out of this woman's mouth was about her expectations for her future daughter. Do people understand that they are adopting a person? Do they understand that the expectation should be on them to be parents? Do they know what it is to be a parent? As we sit and wait for our referral from China, no we haven't jumped ship and we wont because not only have we invested time and money but we have also invested our emotions and judgment. We did not enter into this decision lightly. Now that we are knee-deep in the adoption world we know more. I never would have dreamed that there was such a disparity between requests for girls and boys. There is a strong disparity between special needs and healthy but somehow that is not questioned.
I suppose there just shouldn't be a choice given, yet many countries allow that choice. Why? Maybe they know what could be the fate of a girl if she weren't adopted. I am a half-full type of gal. Maybe country officials are trying to circumvent a hideous fate for children. Maybe there are people really trying to do right by children in our world.
We chose China because we wouldn't have to choose a girl because that is what you are referred if you choose China.
Here is another controversial thought: Maybe prospective parents with proven infertility, or those with no children should be given priority for adoption. This is our shot at parenthood and we have to wait for more years?! What do you think?
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