Garden Variety Family

anti-adoption sentiments on the web

I have just been on a trip around the internet reading blogs and articles about those who are against adoption. They started from comments posted on an infertile blonde. As a mother who would do anything for my child I am speechless. Most of what I read was from people adopted long ago when adoption was not spoken of, swept under the rug, when young single women were coerced or forced to give up their infants for adoption. I am always horrified when I read such stories, see movies, or hear of cases like these. I believe it was wrong but this is not the only adoption scenario out there, certainly today, more and more young women are keeping their babies. But that doesn't change the fact that there are grey areas in every issue, individual circumstance, different details. My son will know his, and with any luck he will know all the people in his triad. There were so many hurtful things said about adoptive parents in the things I read today, I am still trying to process it. Everything I read was so black and white: assuming that their experiences, their feelings, their reasons, their circumstances are those of their counterparts. I don't know what to say. I can't begin to tackle the tangled emotions and thoughts that are broiling in my head right now.

Just Like Me

I've seen this video before but never posted it. It makes me cry to think what our birthmother went through, as well as when I relive the moment our Little Pudding was put into my arms for the first time.

Both DMC and Sarah McLachlan were adopted (click their names to read more about it). I think it is important to stress to our children that before anything, and just like every human being, they were born, adoption is secondary -- an additional miracle. Telling him he is adopted before age 35 (I realize it was a different time) is key. I just don't know how people kept such secrets. We hope to avoid the feelings DMC felt about learning he was adopted by forging an open relationship with his birth mother.  We can do what we can, so far we have had no contact with his birthmother.

Enjoy the video I find the contrast of their styles compelling and beautiful.

Our Little Truffle may never be just like me/us but already there are so many ways that he just fits in. He is definitely a snuggler which is great because his parents are a cuddly couple. I like how Sarah says in the Parents.com interview that she is growing up to be "very much" like her mom.

Doing what a thousand words could not.

The blog has been needing a design update, this image, the obvious choice.

terms of endearment

Well, we have an absolutely irresistible bundle of boy. I keep drafting a post to tell the story of how it all happened, every last detail. I feel some trepidation because as much as this is our story it is also our baby's story and some of it should be his to tell. I am in a bit of a quandary as to what to do. I want to share because it is the most remarkable story as well as a story of a successful adoption, but I want to honor my son because this blog will be for him someday too. Any suggestions? I'd love to hear them.

In the meantime I thought I would share all the pet names that seem to befall our dear baby. Everyday he gets cuter and more delicious.

Some of the usuals that you hear lots of people use. Sweet pea, love bug, snuggle bug. I call him my little nugget, nugget of love, snuggle buggle, pie face, sweetie boy, love nugget, Levi love. My favorite is truffle, because he is like a yummy melty chocolate treat filled with gooey goodness but also in the more fungal meaning: highly valued and difficult to find (both true), therefore a true prize (he is a prize all right) when found. He often reminds us of the seeker as well as the seekee in a traditional truffle hunting situation. We are enchanted by his snorts and chordles as our little piggy starts to tell us he is hungry. I call him piglet and hungry caterpillar. Steven says he is Hungarian, which should be spelled Hungrian. 

He is my First prize, the nickname my mom gave me as a baby--being her first child and all.

More: muffin, cupcake, dumpling. He is my sweetness. My joy. My pudding. ( I know I am forgetting some...a bunch) I love him, I love him, I love him. Sometimes his wondeful-ness just makes me cry.

A baby among the reeds

I have been away far too long. I have wanted to write but my new life took over. I wrote this about a month and a half ago (April 10), I couldn't discard it. They were my thoughts and feelings during a truly amazing time in my life. Going back and rereading it has revived that whirlwind of a time that I'll never get to relive except through writing and photos and the recesses of my memory. I have to keep it somewhere.

This morning, and by morning I mean an early 2am-type morning I got up and I didn't need to. Steven is on baby duty. But I awoke to the familiar chordles that bubble up from a bassinet in the corner of our room.
My first conscious thought was of a baby floating in a basket among the reeds in a river where a woman was going about the daily routine of primping and preening. Their meeting would set in motion one of the greatest stories ever told.
Several millennia later I was on my way to get my hair cut and styled a fresh look something that would give me an extra spring in my step, a mini boost. Well, something else floated into my life as I approached the water. In an earlier post I likened it more to a shooting star crashing into us and shifting the course of our lives. But was our life course really shifted? Maybe this is the course we were always on. I think our path had a hairpin turn in it, we just couldn't see it.
Buddhists believe that a baby's soul chooses it's parents. Something that I as an adoptive parent must subscribe to. We had no hint, really we hadn't even acted all that deliberately, we had yet to devise our new game plan. At that point we just carried on with the course of our lives attending to the mundane, a bank run, haircut, gosh i can't remember what else was on our docket for that day, February 19, 2009.
Sure we had every intention on being adoptive parents and yes we have been waiting. But we ended up with some of that surprise factor that we never thought we'd have.
Steven and I scheduled a meeting with a lawyer we had chosen to formally initiate our relationship and begin the private domestic adoption process. We met, discussed, talked fees, shook hands and walked out of his office like deer in headlights. Enter a whole new list of buzz words and phrases that would become a part of our daily lives as we took on the full-time job of finding our baby.

Advertise. "Business" cards. Networking. 1-800 numbers. Interviewing. Web sites. Are we starting a business? Yes.

Local, interstate. Are we taking a trip? Yes.

How to talk to a birth mother. Key questions to ask. When to refer to our lawyer. Becoming a counselor? Yes.

Creating a profile. What to write and how to write it. Distributing that profile. Are we graphic designers, why actually, yes I am! Are we English teachers, actually yes, Steven is.

So it is not as if we entered into this venture without any credentials. Ha!

After about 45 minutes of living with the shock and realization of how our lives were going to change with this monumental task before us, we got a phone call, our baby had found us. In the parking lot of my hair salon our baby floated into our lives among the cars in the parking lot. That call set into motion the most emotionally overwhelming 24 hours of my life.

 

McCain adoption as political rhetoric?

I don't care what side of the aisle you stand on but for families touched by adoption we should all be enraged by the delivery of Cindy McCain's adoption message. Adoption rights, and public perceptions of adoption will never improve with the a self serving, halfwitted speech that Cindy McCain delivered at the Republican National Convention. Bridget was paraded at that convention as an icon of how wonderful her parents are. They should be ashamed. Their adoption story has changed over the last year and you'd think that by the time the convention came around they would have had time to deliver it in a tasteful way.

I guess we should be bowing to the McCains for being so selfless, after all they took in that poor pathetic sickly child. GIVE ME A BREAK! Can tooting one's horn get too loud? You'd think she was talking about a stray cat or something.

How much preparation do we as adoptive parents have to go through? We have to learn to be culturally sensitive and be "trained" to deal with the special needs of an adopted child. We have to consider what it is like to be ripped from a home culture and birth parents and dropped into a new one. It makes no difference if the child is an infant or teenager. We have to teach them to deal with ignorance of others and to stand up for themselves. But... what do you do when the number one offender is your mom!? How does Bridget feel about being paraded in front of America as a charity case. This must do great things for the adolescent ego. Our children shouldn't be made to feel indebted to us. Adoption is a privilege for a parent but if you watched that speech you'd think that Bridget herself should have given her mom a standing ovation.

When people find out we are adopting we often get a, "God bless you." or a "Those children will be so lucky." I venture to think that at some point, probably at many points, an adoptee is not going to feel so lucky or blessed they lost there birth parents, for goodness sake, how would that knowledge make you feel? I must step aside and say that I know that people mean well but I feel it is my duty to call it out, so that attitudes change. Imagine how so many public perceptions have changed towards various minority groups over the years because of education. (another post where I tackle the same issue) If I don't speak out on behalf of my child who will? The McCains seem to be spending all their time speaking on behalf of themselves. They are so high profile right now, they are missing a golden opportunity to champion and raise awareness about adoption and adoption rights but instead they are fishing for a gold star from us.

seeing more red

*** A little edit I somehow I didn't get a bit of info saved in this post... today I am another year older, another year older than I ever imagined I'd be as a first time parent. I'll be seeing another birthday pass as I wait. We have officially passed the 15 month mark for the wait as well***

Okay, ya'll know there is a lot of paperwork involved in a adopting, in addition to the long wait and long hair... wait a second, did she say long hair? She -- I did. While I am waiting for our home study update, I am assembling supporting documents for the renewal of our I-171H which pales in comparison to the first time I was seeing red. My gut reaction was a post-traumatic response to assembling our dossier. One government office, the one that handles the advanced processing of foreign orphans as citizens seems to be helpful and actually interested in the supposed federal paper-reduction act. It was a pleasure to get them on the phone and be spoken to with compassion in their voice as they truly seemed interested in helping me and not rushing me off the line to attend to the next nervous-nellie parent to be. I am so appreciative that they have a separate division for adoptions within the immigration office. So now that the paper work seems to be under control at this point what else can I do during the wait? I am going bonkers with my hair. I vowed not to cut it until I had my daughter in my arms. It is my measure of expectant motherhood. I was expecting to be able to donate it in a few months or so. We know that wont be happening... So what is a girl to do when she can't cut her hair? She dyes it! Yes, folks my hair is RED -- a deep cinnamon, cherry, auburn red. My hair is darker than it has ever been. Oh, and I did it with a wash-out-in-six-weeks-dye. I don't want to jeopardize my donation to Locks of Love or Beautiful Lengths. So check it out! Steven says I need to come up with my super hero alter ego name. I think I'll be the Red Thread Walker. You know the legend of the red thread in ancient Chinese wisdom, well I am the super hero that can balance on the thread for the long tightrope walk to my girl in China. It may be time to get my red cape out again.

 

thank you

I want to thank everyone who commented or sent me e-mails in response to my last post. I really appreciate all the encouragement, empathy, understanding and wisdom shared. As you may have learned from reading my blog, I am really not much of a planner, so for me to be in line for a child from China... well it is a bit out of character and yes... I am reminded why I never plan anything -- because plans never go the way you imagine them. It's that whole expectation thing and it has bitten me, HARD. I realize that if I want to have children I am going to have to plan but I am going to try to release any expectation.  We are looking at ADDITIONAL options and living our life. I am still working on my business and doing things like gardening and cleaning out the garage, uugh. Someday we might get a call... but I am just not planning on it.

an uncertain path

Warning: this is a free-thinking post it will include my thoughts about adoption from my personal situation to the subject at large. I am going to turn my "filter" off because I need a little therapy. What I write is not meant as judgment or curse, praise or glorify it is just a place for me to feel. This is my blog after all.

I have had a lot of thoughts running through my head, questioning, re-evaluating, doubting my path to parenthood. Wondering if parenthood is in my cards. I had a really tough time yesterday. We have thought about the wait, it has been 14 months and the wait really didn't seem that bad. It hadn't devastated me or left me in any kind of depression. It hadn't ... but the more I hear and read there is no end in sight -- in fact the end seems to be on a full throttle retreat in the opposite direction.

Last week we got a call from my husband's parents, Steven's aunts who visited from Korea 2 months ago were apprised of our adoption and our situation, unbeknownst to us. There was a language barrier. And ... truthfully, I didn't think it was anything my inlaws wanted the extended family to know. 

Well, one of Steven's aunts adopted years ago and wanted to give us information on the agency here in New York that has an affiliation with the social welfare agency in Korea that arranges for children to be adopted. The agency turned out to be Spence Chapin.

I called them and remembered why we hadn't chosen them in the past. Well, there are lots of reasons but the primary one is the cost of a Korean adoption. I hate that cost becomes a factor but it is a reality and it just isn't fair but that is life, right? I have always been willing to accept the costs and fees because this is a delicate international and legal transaction. I wish it didn't have to be but it just is. This lengthy and expensive process is my path to parenthood or so I thought. But I have to wonder if I was really meant to be a mother. When I read other blogs or hear other women talk about adoption, often being "desperate" to become a mother is expressed. I don't know that I feel that way.  But I wanted to be a mother I felt  that Steven and I had so much to offer a child. So with this new information -- a near encouragement from my in-laws, we thought about pursuing our second child while we were waiting. Information about Spence Chapin became a welcome opportunity. If we were able to complete an adoption now the wait for China might become more bearable. But, that opportunity quickly just became a hurdle, one that is to tall to leap, for us it is prohibitively expensive. I hate that we can't afford it, that our path to children is a contingent upon our earning power. Every move is deliberate and nothing "will just happen" for us.

I left my job to establish myself with a home-based business so that I could be at home with our child when she came. The plan was to be in a sort of routine so that I could be able to continue to work once we all settled from the topsy turvy time of getting acquainted. From the start I had no intention of putting our child who we spent so much time, energy, waiting, and hoping for into day-care 2 months after bringing her home. We would make it work, despite my less stable earning power. But there is nothing make-it-workable about getting to the point of having a child.

I honestly believe that Steven and I would be happy together with or without a child. He is a wonderful husband and I delight in every moment spent with him. There are many ways for us to have a fulfilling life. I often get comments like, "Oh, it will happen for you", "It will happen when the time is right", "You'll be a mother", "When it is meant to happen it will". Everyone is so sure it will happen that I am meant to be a mother. None of this is happening because "it" willed it so. Everything has been by my and Steven's deliberate actions. Everyone is so sure I am meant to be a mother, maybe I am not. Maybe this is why all this is happening. So many people feel that god led them to adoption. Or that god is making mine happen when it needs to happen. Did any of these people ever think that maybe this slow down is god's way of saying it shouldn't happen? I just can't drag a god into this discussion.

I have to say that is frustrates me, this line I am standing in. Disney has nothing on this wait. There is no fast pass for this ride we are on but I can't help feeling that there should be. So many people who are in this wait have children already. Not one, but two, three four. I really wish there was priority for childless couples. I can't help but feel that these people are some of the most direct obstacles to my unification with my child and I cannot help feeling that it isn't fair or even right. I feel like there should be a different way of handling people who have several children already.

I just want one child, who will be my legacy, my hope for humanity, my one chance to help a child become an adult and sort their way through the world. I just want one chance at playing peek-a-boo, blowing bubbles, calming fears, teaching, reading to, making funny faces with, finger paint, provide experiences, celebrate success and accept defeat. I want the chance to watch a person grow and being intimately involved with that growth. I want to be witness to one just person's whole life and I want to help them on that path in any way I can. I lied, I would like to have two children, I love having a sister and I'd like that opportunity for my child. But, I'd be happy with just one  because it is very likely there will be only one if there is any child for me at all. And ... I can be happy with none. We have to find our way to be happy no matter where our life takes us, and I know that I can do that but it will take a shift in thinking. I am still in, "when our daughter comes home", mode.

Do I deserve this opportunity? Maybe, maybe not.

Should race be a factor in adoptions?

What do you think? This is the question broached in an article that appeared Time magazine online today. (I included the complete article in the post continuation below in case the link expires over time.)  The  article was written in response to a study and paper completed by the Evan B. Donaldson Institute.

The conclusions don't recommend that white families should be barred from adopting African American children, rather they are emphasizing the need for education and screening for both parents and children. Findings concluded that Asian adoptees and native American adoptees did not as much difficulty with identity or a feeling of fitting in as African American children.

I think that as parents we need to be as prepared as possible and we must strive to to the do our best to meet the needs of our children. These recommendations are in the interest of the mental and emotional well being of our children.

As it stands now agencies are not allowed to address issues of race specifically in training, instead preparation is generalized to cover all aspects of adoption. Which to me really can be a shame. It goes back to my opinion that we cannot be colorblind, it is unrealistic if not impossible. It is an act of denial. Instead we need to educate, celebrate, and embrace our differences so that those differences are in the open, o.k. and accepted, therefore turning it in to a non-issue. Ignoring race or minimize it has been proven to cause greater problems for the identity of trans-racially adopted children of African American descent.

The 1996 Multiethnic Placement Act—Interethnic Adoption Provision (MEPA—IEP) was created when some prospective white parents were prevented from adopting African American children who, then and since have been over-represented both before and after the act went in place.

While I have been waiting for my daughter I have been absorbed in learning and trying to absorb myself in all things Chinese so that I can bring my daughter's culture to here and to our family. I intend for it to be as much a part of our family as the other cultures of our family. We feel we have much to offer to her and I have to help her contribute all parts of her to our family as well. I could never deny this part of her or any child that I plan to make a part of our home. At this point I have no direct experience with this issue as I have not child, ethnically diverse or otherwise as a part of our family.

I'd love to hear comments from those of you who have. Once again I've written too much and probably haven't done a very cohesive job writing this. I want to bring this issue to the blogoshere, for contemplation and discusion.

Thanks.